Buddy comedies, urinal culture, foxes and hedgehogs

Discussed in this Wednesday’s National Post article:

• films as central metaphors with Tucker
• disgusting urinals with Marie
• the difference between hedgeghogs (people who know a lot about one thing) and foxes (people who know a little about many htings) with Starlee Kine.

On an unrelated note, in Life is Lovely, Jonathan kept on emphasizing the second syllable in Starlee’s name, making it sound like he was saying “Star Lee,” as if it were an Asian surname or something. Sometimes I think he changes the inflection on words as a joke to himself, or because he has an MFA from Concordia and has thus transcending plebian pronunciations. 

Anyway, check out the article here.

It’s Wednesday!

Wednesday. Gregor calls. He tells me he’s just outside in his car.

“Hurry up and come down,” he says. He punctuates his command by honking his horn. I hear it through the window and over the phone. The effect is stereophonic. When I tell him to come in, he says he can’t.

“I’m drinking an Orange Julep and it’s stuck in the cup holder.”

“Can’t you part with it for a moment?” I ask.

“You’re over-enunciating,” he says. “Who are you trying to impress? Is the plumber there again?”

I go out and Gregor is hunched over his drink.

“You look like you’re on a drive-by.”

“I am,” he says, still drinking, “but I’m not shooting bullets; I’m shooting ideas.”

What if the Olsen twins and Gore Vidal were to unite as one?

While you are reading the advice within, I suggest you keep this in mind:

“Ehrlich” in German means “honest.” If Gregor wasn’t already whatever he is, I’d say he should be a used car salesman, with a name like that.

My apologies to Ms. Polygon, who does, in fact, exist

Oh. Well looks like Ruby, Starlee Kine’s intern, is a real person. Sorry about that. I guess I denied it out of jealousy. If I could’ve been Jonathan Goldstein’s intern at 16, I think I could consider myself fulfilled. Although the intern position at Wiretap is perhaps more ill-fated than the Defense Against the Dark Arts position at Hogwarts. (Was that okay? To make a Harry Potter reference? Do Wiretap fans like Harry Potter?)

Anyway, this week’s episode drew heavily from National Post articles. The show kicked off with some diary entries about Tucker spitting in his own coffee, mohawks, souvlaki and Jonathan in a bathing suit.

These thoughts originally appeared in the articles “Get out of my dreams, get into my copy store” on June 11, 2008 and “The Truth about Spats and Dogs” from June 4, 2008.

The monologue rolled right into a conversation where Jonthan quizzes Tucker about his everyday surroundings.

In the next bit, Jonathan mentions MELBA TOAST, stating “After spending an hour eating breadsticks and melba toast over the sink while reading grocery circulars, I come to the conclusion that my life, too, lately has become more than a little stagnant.”

This rolls into a three-way conference call with Starlee and her intern, Ruby. Some material from the July 23, 2008 “How to buy cottage cheese” appears in this bit.

Jonathan re-introduces himself to Ruby as Starlee’s “older gentleman friend.” I’d like to someday introduce myself as that, rather than so-and-so’s “scrappy sidekick.”

Lastly, Gregor eggs Jonathan on to take dance lessons. In case you were wondering, Goldstein’s signature moves are the robot, “stir the pot” and “shuffle from foot to foot” and “throw in some kicks.”

The episode closes out with Jonathan learning the Soulja Boy dance from ZouZou.

As an aside, this is the first episode which I recorded myself. If anyone missed it, I’ll email it to you or something. Because I have nowhere to host it. And SuperNintendoChalmers will have tomorrow, hopefully.

(Psst. Just joking. Check out the summary to listen.)

Some Genesis

So.

Most of Jonathan’s National Post articles end up being Wiretap episodes. Here’s one that ended up a Youtube video:

Wednesday. Gregor is visiting from San Francisco. I am waiting with him on a street corner for a cab to take him back to the airport. We wait many minutes and still, no cabs stop.

“I don’t get it,” Gregor says. “Usually taxis get all horny for you when you’ve got luggage.”

As we wait, Gregor tells me the story of all the pains he went through to get this particular piece of luggage. To hear him tell it, it was like The Lord of the Rings — but with stores.

“Put it this way,” he says. “Any shmuck can pop out a baby, but not just anyone can choose the right suitcase.”

A taxi finally pulls up and I move in to hug Gregor. He blocks me with his suitcase, which I take from him and begin to carry to the trunk of the cab. He stops me.

“A piece of luggage like this sits beside you,” he says.

Later that night, I watch a Simpsons DVD while listening to the commentary track. In it, Matt Groening describes going to Disneyland with his friends and spending the whole day talking like Mickey Mouse. One more reason to feel jealous of Matt Groening: He has the indulgence of his friends. I sit on the couch absorbed in self-pity. And then, a thought: at least I have my shoelaces. They have yet to rip, and this week, that’s as close to a state of grace as I’m likely to get.

Here’s a link on Youtube.

Also, this video was referenced on “Time to Face the World.”

OH, speaking of that episode, the opening bit was from The White Shadow. Here it is in full:

Goldstein: You guys say Goldstein’s not as cool as you are, that he hasn’t any style. His style’s a joke, a bring-down, a put-down, an embarrassment. Well, you know what Goldstein says to that? TOUGH! That’s too damn bad! I tried to be like you guys, to be one of you, but you wouldn’t let me. You just shoved it back down my throat EVERY DAY this past season! Last seat on the bus? Goldstein’s not getting it. A party? A get-together? Let Goldstein hear about it for himself. Even the cafeteria. You guys make room for yourselves. Me? I gotta sit on a window sill, or maybe a chair with a tack on it. Well, no more. I’m tired of it! I’M SICK OF IT, MAN! UP TO HERE! From now on, from now on, I’m fighting for what’s mine, what’s RIGHTFULLY mine! And that means not having to come into this place with a knot in my stomach! I’m not quitting this team, either. This team means too much to me. But, I’m not changing myself one inch of what I am…for ANYBODY

Yo.

So, the new month has started, and, maybe a new season of Wiretap? I don’t know, the schedule hasn’t been posted yet. Color me antsy. Do they have Labor Day in Canada? What up with this.

Anyway.

Since this has practically become the Unofficial Starlee Kine blog, here is something for all you Starlee Googlers:

This is a mention from a May 14, 2008 National Post article by Jonathan Goldstein. You can’t find these online after awhile. Unless you want to pay 2 dollars. The headline was called: “Learning to be our own best friends; And more of life’s little white lies”:

Sunday. Starlee tells me how she met a woman that morning who was cursing a pile of laundry on the street.

“She couldn’t carry it all home so I helped her,” Starlee says.

When they arrived at her house, the woman told Starlee that she was lonely as she’d only recently moved to the city and had no friends. Before they parted, the woman asked for Starlee’s phone number, which Starlee gave her — correct, all but for the last digit.

“Changing just one number made it feel like a smaller lie,” she says.

As you get older, making friends becomes more difficult. Even keeping them does. And so you end up having no choice but to start enjoying your own company more than you might otherwise be inclined. I am reminded of John Candy in Spaceballs where he played a Chewbacca-like character named Barf.

“I’m half man, half dog,” he said, “I’m my own best friend.”

That woman with her laundry, me, Zouzou — perhaps all of us — must all learn to become a little more like Barf.